Exploring Open Intimacy
“Being our own safe haven and secure base requires that we first have the capacity to be with our self. To sit, to listen, to be available to whatever arises within us.”
More people are abandoning monogamy in favor of open relationships. HEARTS is used as an acronym for ways to create a safe haven and secure base with partners, either in a monogamous or polyamorous relationship;
*Here: are you present with each other? do you have regular time together where you’re focused on the other person?
**Expressed Delight: do you tell each other how much you appreciate the other? do you recognize ways in which loved is received?
***Attunement: do you “get” each other? do you understand each other on a deeper level?
****Routines: are there things you do together every day, week, month, or year? do you share special occasions together?
*****Turning Towards after Conflict: when you’re angry at each other, do you make up afterward? do you try to understand your partner and compromise, instead of just wanting to be right?
HERE
Prioritize regular time with your partner where you are undistracted, here and present with them.
Create a sense of presence.
Put your phone down.
Communicate any restrictions that might come up and when you can’t be available.
EXPRESSED DELIGHT
Let your partner know in spoken or written word how they enrich your life.
Let your partner know how unique and special they are to you.
Let your partner know the positive impact their actions and behaviors have on you.
After spending time with your partner, let them know what you appreciated about that time together and the positive impact it had on you.
ATTUNEMENT
Listen empathetically to your partner, reflect back how you might imagine they are feeling.
Track the events of your partner’s week and follow up with them regarding a particular event, for example: “How did your work presentation go yesterday?”.
Show genuine interest in your partner by asking open-ended questions that allow them to explore their feelings and thoughts about situations versus simply reporting the outcome of events.
RITUALS
Discuss what rituals you already have in place that make you feel loved and valued by your partner and what others can be added to the picture.
Identify what ways you both like to celebrate and to be celebrated when it comes to annual events, such as birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries.
TURNING TOWARDS AFTER CONFLICT
Do not be afraid to take a time out from a heated discussion.
Under every complaint is an unmet need. The more we can get to the root of our needs in a conflict discussion and communicate a positive need request, the better our partners can hear us without getting defensive and the more likely our needs will be heard/met.
If you find yourself stuck in a recurring conflict, consider asking one another the open-ended questions.
